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30 April 2009 @ 05:02 pm
Drabble - Spike & Anya  

Title: A Call for Immediate Extraction

Timing: Late S7

Rating: PG

Pairing: Spike & Anya

Words: 385

A/N: Written for fangfaceandrea, who asked for a Spike & Anya friendship drabble. I totally laughed writing this. 


“What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever had up your ass?”


Spike lifted his head and removed the beer bottle that rested at the small of her back, wiping the condensation that dampened her pink skirt.


“Come again?”


“Your ass,” Anya clarified, taking a step away. “What’s been shoved up there over the centuries that might cause a sudden drop in libido?”


“Anya, it was a dance, not a proposition to join me on my cot of abstinence,” Spike sighed. He reached over to the transistor radio on the rail of the back porch and put an end to their Oldies Hour, cutting off Frankie mid croon. “Can’t I enjoy an evening sans shag or would it just be too tragic to let my talents go to waste?”


Anya dropped down into an Adirondack chair, her hands thrown up in exasperation. “Not everything’s about you, Spike. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve got an ex-boyfriend in that house that’s done nothing to coax me into a dark corner, and I really have to wonder what’s wrong with him.”


Spike’s shoulders dropped with relief and he ran a hand through his hair. “Well, if it’s Harris we’re talkin’ about, I’d say you’ll have to do more than just breathe to get his attention. Contending with fresh-faced, sixteen year olds calls for bringing your A game.”


“Don’t be an idiot. I have experience on my side. Years and years of experience. Of Xander-shaped experience, even.”


Jumping to her feet, Anya brushed past Spike, and opened the kitchen door. “Clearly, there has to be some anal obstruction. An extraction is definitely in order.”


“You think you’re prepared for the job, love?” Spike asked, gathering their empty beer bottles against his chest to send them clattering into the sink.


“Oh, am I ever!” she called from where she rifled through the base cabinets of the island. Clearing her throat, she stood and flexed her fingers, the yellow rubber gloves she wore squeaking perversely.


Spike raised an eyebrow and clenched his ass uneasily. He’d hate to be on the receiving end of that treatment.


“There’s going to be a change in this house, and it starts now,” Anya announced, tapping her open palm with her fist. “And that stick up his ass is the first thing that’ll need to go!”


Emmieangearia on April 30th, 2009 09:08 pm (UTC)
Hee! Oh this is brilliant. :D
ClawofCat: yayclawofcat on April 30th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
*grins* Thanks. It wrote itself. I was trying to think of an appropriately crude question for Anya to ask, and the first line popped into my head.

I also wanted the chance to write Spike & Anya drunkenly slow dancing to Frank Sinatra on the back porch. Sweet and somewhat contrary, but they're at least 100 years older than most of the people in that house. How could they not like the Classics?
KSena: LOL made by princessbloomykseenaa on April 30th, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC)
Ha ha ha! X-D Perfect!
ClawofCat: giddyclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 12:02 am (UTC)
Hee. Thank you. That Anya, what a wacky girl. She sometimes reminds me of myself. I totally say inappropriate things about sex in conversation.

Also *points* Simba!
(no subject) - kseenaa on May 1st, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
darkdreams1222dreamsofspike on April 30th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
hehe... adorable :) wickedly hilarious, and perfectly IC... the dialogue was great as well, loved it :)
ClawofCat: buffy smileclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 12:05 am (UTC)
Thanks! The dialogue was my favorite part to write. Anya's got such a specific, crude, pointed way of talking that I didn't have much trouble channeling her.

When I write things like this I want to point and say, "Hey! Hey! I can be funny, too!"
Shapinglightshapinglight on April 30th, 2009 10:22 pm (UTC)
Hee! I can just see Anya being that literal about it. Very funny.
ClawofCat: knowing faceclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
If I were Xander, I'd gird my loins (and arse). She means business!
(no subject) - red_satin_doll on December 21st, 2012 02:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - clawofcat on December 21st, 2012 08:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
fangfaceandreafangfaceandrea on April 30th, 2009 11:57 pm (UTC)
hahahaha love it.

also "my cot of abstinence" should be used more often in fic.
ClawofCat: good timesclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 12:11 am (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again for the wonderful suggestion. As you can imagine, Anya's a lot of fun to write.

also "my cot of abstinence" should be used more often in fic.
Ha! Yeah, the only action that Spike got was with his own hand. What a bleak existence :(
The Anti-OTPsnowpuppies on April 30th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
Oh, my!

Never thought I'd say this, but Anya wearing a yellow rubber glove is about the scariest thing I've ever thought of!
ClawofCat: Seriously?clawofcat on May 1st, 2009 12:13 am (UTC)
*snerk* I can't imagine that'll be comfortable for poor Xander. Those heavy cleaning gloves are for pots and pans, not delicate boy asses. Serves him right though. That's what he gets for ignoring a girl with a sex drive the size of Texas.
of_too_minds: spike smirkof_too_minds on May 1st, 2009 02:46 am (UTC)
That was fun. No one gets between Anya and her orgasms! lol
ClawofCat: think sexclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 01:27 pm (UTC)
She's a girl with a mission, for sure. If it was anyone but Xander, maybe Spike would consider not throwing him to the lions :)
chic_c: spike-lolchic_c on May 1st, 2009 10:01 am (UTC)
Ha ha ha! Xander should know better, neglected Anya can be pretty scary! Great character voices and a great way to start the morning! XD
ClawofCat: cracked outclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 01:31 pm (UTC)
Hee, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I don't get the chance to write humor often, so I went all out with Anya. She's a hoot. Anything that Anya wants, Anya gets!
Barbrahirah on May 1st, 2009 01:12 pm (UTC)
Anya is a pro-active thinker. *g*
ClawofCat: Laughclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 01:32 pm (UTC)
Absolutely. I'd definately use the term "self-starter," if I were writing her resume.
hello_spikeyhello_spikey on May 1st, 2009 05:20 pm (UTC)

That's Anya! Practical, and literal-minded.


He hee heeeee!
ClawofCat: spikesmilesclawofcat on May 1st, 2009 10:22 pm (UTC)
And notice that Spike's not stopping her or warning Xander. Wicked vampire!
eowyn_315: staring at my butteowyn_315 on May 2nd, 2009 12:03 am (UTC)
LOL, I love that Anya's assumption is that of course Spike has had libido-dropping things shoved up his ass. :D

I cringe for poor Xander...
ClawofCat: freaking outclawofcat on May 2nd, 2009 03:37 pm (UTC)
It's really not such a far fetched assumption though, is it? Taking into account the company he kept, there was almost certainly something he encountered that was unpleasant ;)

I cringe for poor Xander...
In the context of canon, I'm trying to figure out if Anya was successful. As far as I know, the only time they do it is in "Touched." So, maybe someone intervened on his behalf?
(no subject) - eowyn_315 on May 2nd, 2009 05:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Kiki May: Buffy'smilekikimay on February 18th, 2013 11:08 am (UTC)
So funny! XDD I just love a nice interaction between Anya and Spike. So precious <3
ClawofCat: spikesmilesclawofcat on February 23rd, 2013 08:55 pm (UTC)
Glad you got a chuckle out of this. Anya's nature just naturally lends itself to humor!
slaymesoftlyslaymesoftly on February 18th, 2013 11:56 pm (UTC)
*snerk* Don't know if I saw this before. Too funny!
ClawofCat: buffy smileclawofcat on February 23rd, 2013 08:57 pm (UTC)
Hee :) Glad to hear it was amusing. I didn't write too many humorous things in the day, but the few I took a crack at I always enjoyed. This was such a silly little thing to write.
Passionfruit Kisses: Beautiful Harmonypssnfrt_ksss on February 22nd, 2013 12:15 pm (UTC)
Hehehe. I'm sure I'll feel very sorry for Xander just as soon as I stop laughing at his misfortune.
ClawofCat: good timesclawofcat on February 23rd, 2013 08:59 pm (UTC)
Haha! Ditto. You never know though. Maybe he'd be into it? We never did get to see much by way of Xander and Anya's sexual appetites on the show.