Log in

No account? Create an account
12 December 2008 @ 12:38 pm
I feel like I've fallen face first into a brick wall. I haven't been this tired and this down in months. All encompassing exhaustion does not flatter me, I know that much. On Wednesday evening everything came to a head. I was standing in a Best Buy looking at DVDs for potential Xmas presents, and I just stopped and stared and could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I think I must be making a bigger deal of everything that's worrying me than it has to be. And yet, I've done a really good job of handeling my stress reactions the last few months. Maybe I really have gotten to a point where I'm not over reacting. I don't know. I was just glad that I didn't have to stand in that Best Buy for long. Gus jogged over from his job, only a few blocks from  mine, and stood with me and we talked and hugs. He makes things better, knows how to deal with my crazy. I have to make a list. Lists make everything better. When my goals and to-dos seem tangible, I can manage them better. 

After the teary Best Buy episode, I ended up goiing out with MS to a happy hour get together that her former employers were hosting on the Lower East Side. It was enjoyable enough. We had Thai food in a cheap, tasty joint, got lot on the J train when we took it in the wrong direction and wound up in Queens, and went to The Knitting Factory in the financial district to see her brother perform a few sets before the place is closed for good. A pleasant evening, but one that didn't end until 12:30am. I was shit for brains.

Aside from my talents being squandered at work and generally feeling disrespected, I finished up early and met my friend Amanada in the pouring rain to head over to her place in Brooklyn for a quiet evening. It was just us and her little 10 year old brother, whose care she was enlisted with while her sisters are away at college and her parents are on vacation. We cooked dinner and had wine and discussed "grown up" things. It was exhausting. I felt like I was unburdening myself without unburdening myself. Still, it was low key, and we laughed and looked at pictures of her trip to Spain and Italy this summer and then watched Overboard with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. It's a ludicrous movie, but entertaining. Pure brain candy. We then slept on her couches, listening to the rain beat down on the windows. We woke up to her brother fixing himself lunch so he could get to school. How is it that the kid has his life more in order than I do? His good example motivated us enough to hustle out of the house and get to work. And here I am, wanting desperately to leave, shop, sleep, write, anything. Now.  
Katie-katkatiekat641 on December 12th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you're down. *hugs* Hope things look up soon.

Lists do make everything better. I'm a compulsive list maker. I drive my fiance crazy...
flake_sakeflake_sake on December 12th, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry that you're feeling bad, but weekend is near!

And you are very right, lists make everything better when life gets too overwhelming.

slaymesoftlyslaymesoftly on December 12th, 2008 10:12 pm (UTC)
Deep breaths and sleep would seem to be in order - and a reminder that everything doesn't have to be done at once; and some things not at all. *hugs*
louise39: Buffy NORMALCY OVERRATEDlouise39 on December 13th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
Lists are wonderful 'cause you can cross stuff off!!!

Herself_nycherself_nyc on December 13th, 2008 02:22 am (UTC)
Oy. It's a tough time of year and a tough time of your life. Feel better.
Sotiassddgr on December 13th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry RL is bringing you down. I know about stress episodes, and I refuse to say "It's all in your mind", like people tell me. I'll tell you though that this too shall pass, and that lists do make everything better. Maybe try talking about the things that trouble you more?

*huggles* if you need to talk, I know you don't know me, but I'm here (and here is half around the world, so you have nothing to worry about)
framedinlove: nightlifeframedinlove on December 13th, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear that life's treating you badly. It's just not fair and it shouldn't be so. :(

I wish there was something I could say that could really make a difference and give you a breather from carrying such a heavy load on your shoulders, but I feel like I'm totally lacking in such wisdom.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that things will look up for you soon.
Take care of yourself, ok?

*hugs you tight*