When I went out to dinner last night with the folks, I asked my parents why they weren't excited about me graduating. I hadn't really received any congratulations or enthusiasm from them and it upset me a tad. My mom said that it was hard for them to be enthusiastic when I had shown very little enthusiasm about graduating myself. She asked me why this was the case and I told her that I felt like my time in college accomplished nothing. I go to an Ivy League and it feels like the four years were for nothing. I'm not closer to knowing what I want to do with myself. These last four years have seemed like a chore to the very end. It's hard for me to honestly say that I really enjoyed myself or that I feel particularly connected to the University.
Feeling bad is a strange thing because you forget that you feel bad. Once a rough period is over and things feel alright, your brain conveniently erases the shit that came before. My mom reminded me that I actually came home in February around the time my grandmother became really ill because I was miserable. I think I cried for the first three days I was home. I remember one particular night where I told my mom about something incredibly personal and frightening that had happened to me, something I was sort of ashamed of, and she just gathered me up and said, "Laur, baby, why didn't you tell us? You shouldn't have had to keep that in all this time." God, I was such a wreck. And seeing what happened last night, I think I still am. It just takes the right sort of prompting to bring it out. I want to feel better. And I shouldn't have to feel this way. At least that's something to work toward.
On the upside, today I spent the day with my roommate and her friend. We went to go see the new superhero exhibit and Courbet exhibit at the The Met. I love The Met. It's such a gem of an art museum. It's just so so beautiful. After that we had an excellent lunch and headed over to the Guggenheim. I'm not wild about modern art, but that freaky car exhibit was totally worth the FREE student admission I had. That's going bye bye now that I'm graduating.
Amanda and I then walked cross-town in Central Park and then from 81st street to 107th back home. It was rainy and overcast and so green! Central Park is also so breath-takingly beautiful, it filled my heart with joy to be walking amongst the trees and flowers, reservoir, joggers, dog-walkers. I usually don't walk so far north in the park, but we came across all these gorgeous little waterfalls and ponds. We even stumbled on a huge racoon on the path. We left at noon and didn't get back to our apartment until 8PM. Then, we made dinner and watched Seinfeld and Third Rock from the Sun eps on her computer.
I generally feel exhausted. Tomorrow is graduation practice and then I have a dinner being thrown by the anthropology department for all its majors. That's pretty exciting, and my parents will be attending that.