Things with grandma are not good. She came home from rehab on the 17th and it's been a very difficult transition. She's weaker than she was when she was in the hospital and requires 24/7 round the clock care. She lives in the same building as me and my parents, so my mother has been sleeping there every night. Her life has dwindled to the care of my grandmother and, understandably, it's very hard for her because she can't get anything done for herself and has no sense of normalcy. It wouldn't be such a burden if we had the money to pay aids to be with her all the time, but we don't, so it falls to my mom. The last few days have been especially hard because my grandma has been making overtures about wanting to pass on and looking to my mother to aid her. That sort of manipulative BS is really unfair to my mom, and it's been emotionally draining. My mom is a firey, angry sort of lady, and she's been reduced to a weeping mess by this situation. It's hard for me to see her that way, and where she's been my grandma's support, I feel like I've been hers. I've mostly been at home, not at school, and when I do have class, I'll come home in the evenings to stay with her and help where I can. This Sunday I stayed the night so my mom could get some rest and had 6 hours of interrupted sleep because my grandma kept waking up and needing assistance to get to the bathroom. Ultimately, things can't go on this way, so we're talking about our options and possible institutionalization. It's generally a sure thing that I cry whenever I have to deal with this stuff, so I feel volatlie most days, always on the cusp of some emotional reaction. At least I don't feel quite so depressed anymore. The tears have just made themselves comfortable.
Part of my previous angst was about the future, jobs, and what I'll do with myself post graduation. My best friend from high school ethanoic_acidcame home from Chicago yesterday for the start of his spring break. He's in the same boat I am, and to hear him say it was what I really needed. He was all sprawled on the couch in his living room, half-asleep, and I just launched myself at him and buried my face to his chest. I miss him when he's away, so it was good to spend a few hours with him and his always wonderful family.
In a proactive step, tonight I'm going to a career fair for media industry jobs. A lot of the big names will be there, like The New York Times, Random House, Discovery Communications, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Newsweek, CNN, Forbes, CBS, and bunches of other dudes. Fair share of PR firms, but PR is the biggest load of bullshit ever, so I'll avoid that. If I'm going to be writing, I want to write with a purpose. Sales writing for the perpetuation of the consumer market makes my soul hurt. I'm stressing a little about it, but my resume looks great and once I pour myself into my suit and get into my game face, I'll be alright. Maybe it's something to talk about in therapy today.
On the fic-writing front, I've been dabbling on numerous stories. That's the thing. Even when I'm not posting, I'm pretty much constantly working on stuff. My latest pet project, in addition to my long-standing Faith/Angel fics, is a humorous Faith/Xander porn fest for feedmykink. I never write humor, and I have to say how much fun it is. Hopefully I can finish it by mid next week. I'd really like to post something for ya'll. Also worked on a quick Spike solo piece full of wanking, and a gen Faith/Dawn fic that I <i>love</i>, it's really well written, but I can't figure out how to end it.