April 29th, 2008

freaking out


That's what I feel right now. I have a presentation this afternoon that I'm preparing for and then after class it's right back to my thesis. And it feels daunting. I know I can do it and that it will get done. But it has me panicked. I was sitting typing and all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart was hammering. I assume that's what a panic attack is, but I've never had one. It was scary. I had to call my dad and calm down. It doesn't make any sense that I'm a writer, but when it comes to papers I get so stuffed up and blocked over them. I can write 8 pages of fanfic no problem, but when it comes to academia, those 8 pages feel like torture to me and it takes such an excrutiatingly long time. Probably because it takes careful thought to make an argument and support it. It dosen't flow like fiction. There is no "muse" of academia, no creative force. It's just you, your brain and the library books. And it sucks.