oooo.... angst-tastic!!

For reals! I'd just hate to be Spike though. Who knows what sort of self-destructive shit Buffy's gonna throw on him.

What a picture of desolate-Buffy. This pulls us in, thick and dark:

Laid flat in her palm, she holds it in front of her, waiting for her own burn, for her flesh to bubble. Came back wrong, he said.

But I like how you don't let it steep in the melancholy, adding that last line as a sharp bite:

Fisting the cross in her hand, she wonders if he’ll burn as easily as Angel.

I like how you don't let it steep in the melancholy, adding that last line as a sharp bite.
Buffy Summers: Sado-Masichist Extraordinaire. Buffy's sorta like a circuit. She feels pain and then passes it on so that the cycle never stops. I shudder to think what's to become of Spike this evening with her. Nothing good, that's for sure.

Buffy also doeesn't brood. She's a gal of action. And when something hurts she's going to get it out, one way or another.

Glad you enjoyed it!

Watch out Spike! Buffy's comin' and it's not gonna be pleasant.

Sing it, sister. She's bringin' the hurt and not holding back.

I'm sort of half tempted to write the aftermath between them, but I'm not exactly sure myself. Though the thought her burning him with Angel's cross? Um, hawt.

It was kinda hawt in the show when it happened to Angel, no?

Ooh, love that last line. Nice use of the prompt, too.

Two corrections - it should be "rifle," and I think "temp" should be "tempt."

After I wrote that last line, my thought trajectory immediately launched into what the aftermath of her encounter with Spike would be. Something wrong and hot and painful and angsty, no doubt. Gri.

Nice use of the prompt, too.
Thankies. The ep isn't fresh in my memory, which is why it wasn't set in Season 1. I sort of liked doing it this way. Reflective!Buffy is kinda my fav. There's always trouble when the girls gets in her own head.

Also, I suck. Thanks for the typo catch. When I write these really short things I just want to get them out there, and things slip through the cracks.

It was another icky-feeling day for me. Read your revision. Liked it a lot more. Will send comments to you before I go to sleep for the night.

I really liked this- how the cross is so symbolic of a more innocent time in Buffy's life and of how she has used it (in the past and now)as a weapon.

Thanks so much! When I saw that this ep was next on the roster I really wanted to write something for it. That closing scene with the burn on Angel's chest is so iconic. I remember my 10 year old self being quite enchanted with it. I wanted to use the cross as a way to bridge Buffy's past and present and give Angel a sense of presence in the fic, despite the fact that he was no longer an active part of Buffy's life. Their relationship haunts the rest of the series and that symbol - his symbol - was a great way to jam him into the morose events of Season 6.

I hope to be able to contribute more in the future. These prompts are wonderful for flexing my rusty writing muscles.

She hasn’t needed the crutch for years

Buffy, in all her season 6 despair, remembering her younger self, her younger self's love.
The cross is both a reminder and a weapon to her.

Edited at 2008-08-24 11:50 pm (UTC)

I think what's especially hard for Buffy here is that the cross also symbolizes that her love hurts people. Dawn tearfully tells Spike that "everyone around me suffers and dies," and I think Buffy sort of has that same mindset here. But instead of being consumed by the pain, she acts, which is why she's off to see Spike. He makes manifest everything she fears about herself, except... he never breaks. And that's what makes Spike so perfect for Buffy. He's the one she couldn't kill or drive away. The one that stayed by her side, loved her for who and what she was. *sigh* I need to go read some Spuffy fic now. Gah, I love them.

But instead of being consumed by the pain, she acts, which is why she's off to see Spike.

You compared her to a circuit, too, which I think infers that if she let the pain stop with her, she'd "burn out".

She has a kinetic way of dealing with her pain/frustration. Certainly it's the driving force behind the angst that makes this season (and Spuffy) so rich and involved. But do you admire her for it? Or just the storytelling that trait lends itself to?

A lot of people don't like Buffy, just like a lot of people don't like Dawn. It so happens I write about the two Summers ladies the most of any female character on the show. To say that I admire Buffy isn't exactly true. I feel for her. I sympathize with her. She's had a real shit life, lost so much, and yet she still is able to hold it (mostly) together. The sort of conviction she has to not give up even if she feels like they'll be nothing left of her afterward is impressive. It makes me love her so much. It makes me cry for her because it can't be easier. So when I write Spuffy, I often write from her POV to try and explain her motivation and why she does these hurtful and self-destructive things to herself and others.

I wouldn't say her coping mechanisms are anything to admire either, but everyone works out there shit in their own way and I can't fault her for that. She's not a normal person and the people she interacts with aren't normal either.

So, I guess, in short, I admire Buffy's conviction, but more so the sorts of story's you can tell given her various issues and disfunctionality. She's so bad at expressing herself with words, that writing fic (for me) becomes an exercise in how I can try and explain (not defend or excuse) Buffy either through action or POV.

Going back to Buffy's relationship with pain for a second. In "Never Leave Me" Spike tells her that "You need the pain we cause you. You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the slayer." I'm not sure I agree with this, but I thought it was an interesting insight that I'll just throw out there as food for thought. Hate and pain does seem to fuel and motivate Buffy. The larger the threat, the more Buffy steps it up.

Awesome. I hope I didn't cause you to feel defensive, I really am curious. I tend to identify with Buffy's need to constantly move forward myself, although at this point I hope it's just due to restlessness and not such self destructiveness. (*pinches self* Ouch! Nope, don't think I'm a slayer. CERTAINLY haven't been shagging Spike -more's the pity!)

So I wonder what people see when they look at her relentless drive. I think conviction is a generous term, but tend to agree with you. Although her conviction seems to be in her own... hm, morality isn't the word I'm looking for here... in her own ability to manifest meaningful change instead of adopting a "wait and see", reactionary stance. (Whew, too wordy. Sorry, I'm tired!) Which, again, I identify with but have been taken to task for being a control freak or someone who just can't "leave well enough alone". Of course, for the purposes of a t.v. show, we need our protagonist to keep going, otherwise it'd be a short show. But thanks to something psych101 calls "projection", I love Buffy for the fact that I DO see it as a flaw, as you mentioned.

I'm not sure I agree with Spike's assessment in "Never Leave Me" either, though I hadn't made the connection until you mentioned it. Will have to give that some thought, when I'm not trying to use my keyboard for a pillow (which it sucks at, btw). Thanks for responding in such depth!

Buffy seems to use her disappointment and disillusion and dysfunction as fuel to keep going anyway she can.


Buffy and Spike are indeed special together - always interesting and complicated because of their passion and guilt and love and regrets and memories. [I'm a fan, you see]

Nicely angsty - and a definite season six feel to it. Good job. :)

Thanks! I couldn't help but slide Spike in there somehow. Writing exclusively about Buffy and Angel is always a little weird for me. But I'm working on it.

Writing exclusively about Buffy and Angel is always a little weird for me. But I'm working on it.

Why on earth would you want to do that? ROFL

*grins* Well, I dunno. I've got this thing in my head about trying to expand my repertoire and get over pairing hang-ups and all that. You know, personal growth and stuff. Not that I could ever see myself writing Bangel in a serious way. Which is why I set this in Season 6. So that I didn't have to.

I mean, freakin' sevendeadlyfun challenged me to write a meta on the possibilities of a sexual relationship between Spike and Xander in canon and post-NFA. Talk about a pairing I totally don't understand or think there is much possibility. But, hey, I'll take a crack at it anyway. I just sort of hate her for it though...

It can grow on you....*points to two seriously Spander fics written in the past six months or so*

Yeah, I get what you're saying, and I'm all for the expansion. I just don't necessarily think it has to be about the pairings. I'm finding myself really enjoying a lot of gen fics in which pairings are incidental to the story being told.

*nods* I agree with everyone, this scene could perfectly be inserted in S6 :)
Such pain inside Buffy... you captured that so well!

I'd love to see a sequel :)

Oh, yay! Seamless is good. I do love writing these little missing scene ficlets. As for Buffy, yeah, she's just a damn wreck. She needs a mom hug, like, stat. Poor dear.

We'll see about a sequel. If I get inspiration, then i'll try and kick something around the page. But just the idea of Buffy branding Spike with Angel's cross is sort of wrong and kinky and subtexty. I think he would probably like it. *cackles* Well, I would at any rate.

Oooh angsty!!


*shudders thinking what Spike is in for*

Yeah, Spike's probably in for a pretty rough night. Though, somehow, I feel like he would twist it so that is was either in his favor or de derived some pleasure out of it. Bet he'd indulged in a bit of cross-burning play before. Dru and he seemed like they were quite the kinksters themselves.

True...
And the Spuffy always kinda started with some kind of violence..

Awwww! My Bangel and Spuffy heart just broke a bit.

Beautifully written!

Thanks for reading. It is heartbreaking for Buffy. Memories of Angel cause her pain and her relationship with Spike causes her shame. The girl really can't win. *pets her*

Perfect icon for this fic, btw!

That's exactly what broke my heart. Poor Buffy whether she actually realized it or not she loved both vampires (in different ways)

Joss Whedon could at least have let her be happy with one of them.

And Thanks. The icon was made by moscow_watcher

That cross was given to a very young innocent girl. That girl had disappeared completely. Poor Spike ends up getting all the anger that the men who hurt Buffy in the past deserved. "Kick the Spike" was a fitting nickname for how she treated him and his love. They both deserved better than they got.

Poor Spike ends up getting all the anger that the men who hurt Buffy in the past deserved.
The anger (but mostly sadness) that Buffy feels in this story isn't meant to be motivated by the men that have hurt her in the past. The difficulty she faces here is that her own changes are quite clear to her, and they're not for the better. So the hurt stems from what she perceives as a failure on her part rather than the failure of others. She's wrong, she hurts people she loves, etc. Spike's enabling of that behavior - of Buffy's worst fears about herself - makes it an easy place to escape to.

"Kick the Spike" was a fitting nickname for how she treated him and his love.
It takes two. Spike is as culpable as Buffy is in enabling her behavior. Both of them made some poor choices in their relationship. I certainly wouldn't call Spike the blameless party. But given her past experiences, how could she, in good conscience, trust the love he offered? Her hang-ups about Spike stem as much from her own insecurity about what she is/does to men as who and what Spike is.

They both deserved better than they got.
And that I will wholeheartedly agree with :)

Thanks for reading!

Your first comment says it isn't about the past relationships effecting how Buffy treats Spike, but your second comment says she couldn't trust Spike because of her past relationships.

We are a sum of all our experiences. Our past colors everything we are. It's up to us to allow our past to rule our current lives or to chose to change. Buffy was afraid and couldn't allow anyone close because of her father, Angel, Parker, Riley, the loss of her mother, and the teaching of the Council and Giles. All these things colored her feelings about herself and how Spike could never love. When she refused to accept his love as real he tried to used her fears of not coming back right to draw her to him. Not a healthy relationship on either side. If she had chosen to deal with her issues then she might have had happiness with Spike who did love her and would have given her anything she wanted or needed. Love the story.

Sorry, didn't realize I wasn't logged in when I replied. Duh.

Your first comment says it isn't about the past relationships effecting how Buffy treats Spike.
That's not what I was saying. My point was that this fic isn't about Spike or Spuffy even. I was explaining that Buffy's past relationships, although clearly addressed, are secondary to this fic and are not meant to be the prime motivators for her sadness and anger. This story is about Buffy herself and the things she comes to realize, through reflection, that have changed about her. Of course, being Buffy, she also criticizes herself through the eyes of others and that plays into the mounting doubts she has about her goodness, etc.

In the second paragraph I was addressing what we see of Buffy in the show (not this fic). Her actions are absolutely 100% influenced by her past relationships and the disaster that was Angel. No disagreements there.

Sorry for not being clear!

I'm sooo far behind in fic but wanted to say how beautiful and sad this is. I love this line:

There’s only one place to go to be the person she’s become, the person she hates and wants to tear off like an accessory.

Poor Buffy. Poor Spike. Poor everyone!

It is sad. Poor Buffy's got a lot of self-loathing to work through. Which, uh, she'll actually do in about half an hour. The sequel to this is with Eowyn as we speak.

Oh God, what a stunning piece this is! *loves* You've portrayed Buffy so very beautifully here – the characterization is just spot-on – and as painfully honest of a one-shot as this is, it also feels really good to be given this opportunity to get a glimpse of what's going on inside of her head when all we saw in the series were the actions resulting from that inner turmoil.

That being said it just tears me apart to see her like this. There's so much pain in her. She's lost so much and now she's losing herself and it's just heart-breaking. Even as I find it comforting that at least when she's alone she's still able to cry - it's good to able to do that – I just know that it can't be enough, of course it can't when you're downward-spiraling as fast as she is.

What I find really remarkable is the fact that she manages to forge strength from her pain. It's like fuel to her dying fire, it keeps her going and most of all kicking, and even if that strength ends up working against her just as well as for her it comes to mind that without it she wouldn't have survived. Because if the alternatives are being totally, completely empty, numb, detached and folded or angry and cruel and mean and full of hate I'd take the latter combination any time. The ability to be angry means that there's still some fight left in you. And if you can hate, or crave and need (even if it's something or someone you think you shouldn't) you're still feeling and as an alternative to not feeling at all that's million times better. It may sound...I don't know, a bit nihilistic maybe, but I think that sometimes it's the most gruesome stuff that'll keep you alive long enough to give you a chance to make it through.

Many many thanks for the absolutely magnificent read once again!

Glad you liked it. It's been great seeing the response these two ficlets have gotten, especially because they're so short! Makes me puff out my chest a little bit as a representative of the 'short' fiction genre in fandom.

You've portrayed Buffy so very beautifully here – the characterization is just spot-on
*beams* That's wonderful to hear. My beta also told me that she thinks my best character is depressed!Buffy, which I think is a total compliment because IMO a lot of people get her wrong. She's a very layered character to write and I really love sinking my teeth into her. And you have every right to get teary reading about like this. It's tragic. Our poor heroine *hugs her*

Even as I find it comforting that at least when she's alone she's still able to cry, I just know that it can't be enough when you're downward-spiraling as fast as she is.
Absolutely. I thought it was a nice contrast that while she's swimming in despair, she's also trying to get rid of all magical temptation for rock-bottom Willow. Through it all, she's still trying to do the right thing and help.

What I find really remarkable is the fact that she manages to forge strength from her pain. It's like fuel to her dying fire, it keeps her going and most of all kicking, and even if that strength ends up working against her. *nods vigorously* I discussed this very thing in a lot of the comments to the next part. Except you state it succinctly! And I, uh, ramble. I think it's a really remarkable thing about Buffy, a survival instinct almost. It seems like you'd have to have it as a Slayer, especially since by your very nature you are destined to suffer and die. I love your perspective and insight into that last paragraph. You offer a really interesting analysis. Now you've got me thinking, too!

Thanks you for your brain. You are one of my most detailed commenters I've ever seen. Everytime you review it seems like you've really thought about what you just read. That's pretty amazing. *gold star*

What's the time different between NYC and Finland? I always think you must be reading at the most ungodly hours of the night, lol.

You are one of my most detailed commenters I've ever seen. Everytime you review it seems like you've really thought about what you just read.

I guess I just can't help it, lol. Every time I finish reading something amazing (and your fics are always of the amazing kind) I feel like I'm about to burst with emotions and thoughts and associations and stuff I want to say. My mind is buzzing and my heart's singing (being it a happy or a sad tune - both equally wonderful) and it's all very disorderly and intense. At that point the best I can do as far as making any sense of it goes is make notes. Those I write fast - those almost unreadable, language-mixing scribbles - to make sure I wont forget anything. Then I'll usually sleep on it, give my brain a bit time to get it all in order, and write out the feedback the next day after reading the fic in question again. That's what kind of weirdo of a reviewer I am, lol. I probably I couldn't write a less detailed comment even if I tried.

What's the time different between NYC and Finland?

If I'm not completely mistaken the time difference between Finland and NYC is seven hours. But even that doesn't explain my weird reading hours, lol. The thing is that ever since the accident - the one that we've talked a bit about at my journal - I've had trouble sleeping. At first there were nightmares and stuff, but these days it's mainly pain that keeps waking me up every couple of hours. I try to stay in bed, obviously, hoping to fall asleep again, but sometimes I just have to get up and do something – anything - that'll force me to concentrate so hard that I'll forget the pain. And the good thing about reading is that it doesn't only take me away from my aching body but it also tends to make me happy. :)

Bloody brilliant!

Thank you! Glad you liked this wee ficlet :D