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26 March 2008 @ 12:40 pm
Pimping and the state of me  
Get 'em while they're hot! only_passengerdid a drabble call yesterday and she more than delivered. Five pairings, five unique circumstances, all beautifully reflective and evocative. Check out: Spike/Angel, Spike/Buffy, Dawn/Giles, Buffy/Xander, and Faith/Wes. You won't be disappointed. 

The last few weeks have been busy and emotionally tumultuous. Over Spring Break I wrote two midterm papers and finally handed those in yesterday, so my academic writing obligations have decreased a bit. I'm still late on my thesis draft, so I anticipate much of this weekend will go toward working on those additional 25 pages I need. 

Things with grandma are not good. She came home from rehab on the 17th and it's been a very difficult transition. She's weaker than she was when she was in the hospital and requires 24/7 round the clock care. She lives in the same building as me and my parents, so my mother has been sleeping there every night. Her life has dwindled to the care of my grandmother and, understandably, it's very hard for her because she can't get anything done for herself and has no sense of normalcy. It wouldn't be such a burden if we had the money to pay aids to be with her all the time, but we don't, so it falls to my mom. The last few days have been especially hard because my grandma has been making overtures about wanting to pass on and looking to my mother to aid her. That sort of manipulative BS is really unfair to my mom, and it's been emotionally draining. My mom is a firey, angry sort of lady, and she's been reduced to a weeping mess by this situation. It's hard for me to see her that way, and where she's been my grandma's support, I feel like I've been hers. I've mostly been at home, not at school, and when I do have class, I'll come home in the evenings to stay with her and help where I can. This Sunday I stayed the night so my mom could get some rest and had 6 hours of interrupted sleep because my grandma kept waking up and needing assistance to get to the bathroom. Ultimately, things can't go on this way, so we're talking about our options and possible institutionalization. It's generally a sure thing that I cry whenever I have to deal with this stuff, so I feel volatlie most days, always on the cusp of some emotional reaction. At least I don't feel quite so depressed anymore. The tears have just made themselves comfortable. 

Part of my previous angst was about the future, jobs, and what I'll do with myself post graduation. My best friend from high school ethanoic_acidcame home from Chicago yesterday for the start of his spring break. He's in the same boat I am, and to hear him say it was what I really needed. He was all sprawled on the couch in his living room, half-asleep, and I just launched myself at him and buried my face to his chest. I miss him when he's away, so it was good to spend a few hours with him and his always wonderful family. 

In a proactive step, tonight I'm going to a career fair for media industry jobs. A lot of the big names will be there, like The New York Times, Random House, Discovery Communications, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Newsweek, CNN, Forbes, CBS, and bunches of other dudes. Fair share of PR firms, but PR is the biggest load of bullshit ever, so I'll avoid that. If I'm going to be writing, I want to write with a purpose. Sales writing for the perpetuation of the consumer market makes my soul hurt. I'm stressing a little about it, but my resume looks great and once I pour myself into my suit and get into my game face, I'll be alright. Maybe it's something to talk about in therapy today. 

On the fic-writing front, I've been dabbling on numerous stories. That's the thing. Even when I'm not posting, I'm pretty much constantly working on stuff. My latest pet project, in addition to my long-standing Faith/Angel fics, is a humorous Faith/Xander porn fest for feedmykink. I never write humor, and I have to say how much fun it is. Hopefully I can finish it by mid next week. I'd really like to post something for ya'll. Also worked on a quick Spike solo piece full of wanking, and a gen Faith/Dawn fic that I <i>love</i>, it's really well written, but I can't figure out how to end it. 

 
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mere ubu: spike oh nomere_ubu on March 26th, 2008 05:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your grandma--that just sounds hard and exhausting for everyone. I sincerely hope that y'all can find some alternatives that everyone can live with. *hugs on you*

Good luck at the career fair! *fingers crossed* I think that taking a first step and seeing what's out there will help calm your worry about post-graduation plans; I know I always worry less when I feel like I can actually do something concrete relative to the source of anxiety.

A little fic math for you: Spike+wanking=guh! I'll be keeping an eye peeled for that one, missy. ;)

Edited at 2008-03-26 05:37 pm (UTC)
ClawofCat: sister gazeclawofcat on March 26th, 2008 06:03 pm (UTC)
I guess the thing with my grandma is especially hard because we lack manpower. My grandfather died 11 years ago, and mom is an only child as am I. She can't call on siblings or other children for help, so it's just me, mom, and, dad left to cope. I told them yesterday how proud I was of them for pulling through and supporting each other. I think that made them feel good. Being the appreciative child is something that gets easier as you get older with the addition of perspective.

I'm sure the career fair will be fine. It's really just about schmoosing and info gathering, which I should be a pro at from all my journalism work. Talking to people is the name of the game. I just have to give myself a swift kick in the ass and have my inner cheerleader say, "You can do it!"

Haha! The Spike wanking is the shortest of all of them. I'll push to get that one polished. i know eowyn_315 is also itching to see it since it was inspired by a convo we had.

Thanks for your support. You're always so voice-of-reasony. I love the moms on my flist. They get it =D

Edited at 2008-03-26 06:04 pm (UTC)
mere ubu: like omgmere_ubu on March 27th, 2008 09:31 pm (UTC)
"Voice of Reasony." *snorfle* I may have to put that on a t-shirt.

I have an only child, and I've vowed that we'll get our shit together before we're completely incapacitated because I can't bear to think of her having to deal with her doddery old parents all alone. I think that single-child families can be wonderful and very close-knit, but there's the drawback, I guess.

Hope everything went well. You know, if you get a job in journalism, maybe they'll let you cover the "cock report" desk. *is twelve*

Go team wanking!Spike! \0/
hello_spikeyhello_spikey on March 26th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about your grandma. Elder-care is such heartbreak. Hope you do well at the job fair!
ClawofCat: buffy smileclawofcat on March 26th, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm sure everything will pan out alright. Just gotta grab my buddy optimism here.
shawty got flava like a peach lifesaver: misc: tori appleonly_passenger on March 26th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
thinking of you through all of this. hope the career fair helped ease your mind and provided some info and networking.

thanks for the rec, darlin'.